I pulled my first all-nighter as a sixth-grader. Still attending elementary school in China at the time, I had just received a brand new set of books written by Jin Yong, one of the most popular authors in oriental literature for his fantasy universe of medieval Chinese swordsmen. My parents were big fans of his works and wanted me to share their passion. This was probably one of the few times when I agreed with them on something — I was hooked. I began bringing these books to school and read them whenever I had breaks between classes. I stopped doing homework and hanging out with my friends. I argued if I had to put the books away during dinner. Within days, this madness had culminated to a point where my parents felt it necessary to place a moratorium on Jin Yong books in our house. This moratorium was lifted a few weeks later, as my parents thought my fervor had passed. By that point, I was so deprived that the moment I started reading from where I left off — I remember it very clearly — I did not stop until I finished the entire collection almost 20 hours later.
The twelve-year-old Roy was addicted to Jin Yong for the same reason that he was drawn to action anime: the fighting. It was not until much later that I began to appreciate the subtleties behind these simple premises that made these books the hallmark of Chinese literature: the cultural references, the history, the Buddhist philosophical values, and the allegorical criticism of the Chinese government being some of the things that I have picked up on. In my last article, I said how my favourite fictional universe is that of Peanuts. If you have to ask me what my favourite fiction books are, I will now have to name titles from the Jin Yong collection.
One particularly memorable character within the works of Jin Yong is that of Dugu Qiubai (独孤求败). His characterization is particularly unique as Dugu has passed away before the settings of any of Jin Yong’s books, and the most that the readers will ever see of him is his tombstone and texts he engraved on murals before dying. He was supposedly the best swordsman in medieval China, and his name could quite literally be interpreted as “actively seeking to be defeated; being undefeated is lonely”. Through chance encounters, the protagonists in the books The Return of the Condor Heroes (神雕侠侣) and The Smiling, Proud Wanderer (笑傲江湖) got glimpses of Dugu’s techniques from the said murals, and with that alone, they would become some of the best swordsmen of their times. Just imagine the badassery of Dugu himself if just a few of his crude wall sketches could have such a profound impact on swordsmen generations later.
When Yang Guo（杨过）, the protagonist of The Return of the Condor Heroes, first stumbled upon Dugu’s grave, where he learned of Dugu’s techniques, he also saw the burial of the four swords that Dugu has used in his lifetime. They were ranked as followed:
- A sharp sword, which Dugu used when he was twenty — he was already one of the best swordsmen in Northern China at the time and wanted to use the sharpest sword possible to beat his opponents in battle;
- A beautiful sword, which Dugu used when he was thirty. At this point, Dugu was already the best swordsman in China and did not necessarily need the sharpest sword just to defeat his opponents;
- A blunt sword, which Dugu used when he was forty. Dugu was such a good swordsman at this point that it did not matter that his sword was blunt, he could still use it to kill anyone with ease;
- The last sword, Yang Guo found, did not exist. When Dugu was fifty, he realized he knew the art of swordsmanship so well that he did not even need a sword; to him, any item, even a strand of grass or a piece of wood, could be used as a sword. Gradually, he could win battles without even reaching for a weapon.
As Yang Guo then attempted to learn Dugu’s sword techniques, he realized they also did not really exist — Dugu’s power laid not behind the complexity and efficacy of techniques, but behind his philosophy. Yang Guo learned that he must not restrict himself inside the techniques that he has previously mastered. Instead of relying on the techniques as the vessel to achieve his goal of defeating his opponents, he must understand that he was the vessel — and he should extricate himself from the confines his techniques have placed on his movements.
When I first read this passage as a teenager, I did not pay too much thought to it outside of being awed at the incredible badassery. In a recent discussion with a friend about Miyamoto Musashi（宮本武蔵）, the undefeated swordsman from medieval Japan and author of The Book of Five Rings, a similar concept was brought up as Musashi also did not believe in mastering specific techniques. As my friend has explained it, in Musashi’s mind, dueling is not about wielding the sword; it is all about the duellist and the sword is just one of the many appendages that the duellist could utilize. When a swordsman instead forgets this truth and focuses all the attention on techniques instead, it limits the potential for the highest form of mastery.
I compared this to the story of Dugu Qiubai. I lamented how I had always thought of the story of Dugu Qiubai as that he was just too good to even need techniques or a proper sword — that with these handicaps he still could crush any potential challenger. I did not realize that they were not handicaps — this mindset was what ultimately allowed him to defeat his opponents who spent all of their time practicing highly technical movements which, unbeknownst to them, would only hinder them rather than helping.
(It should be noted as I am making these statements that I have never learned any form of self-defence or weaponry at a high-performing level. Hence, everything I am saying should not be taken for anything more than their abstract value.)
Ever since high school, I have always sought various ways to improve my confidence. Growing up, I suffered from severe stuttering and social anxiety. Over the years, I have been slowly trying to improve on these issues, but I would say they never really went away even to this day. Even now, to my chagrin, the stuttering would return at random moments whenever I am stressed out, nervous, or overly excited.
Some of the “hacks” I have routinely used to boost my confidence have included: Waking up in the early morning (pre-6AM), cold showers, meditation, exercising, sexual abstinence, having a healthy diet, learning about Stoicism, practicing speaking in different ways to change my speech patterns, and the list goes on.
Whenever I first attempted a new “hack”, I would immediately notice a significant change. After walking out of my first cold shower a few years ago, I quite literally felt that I was the reincarnation of a Greek god. This was a similar sensation that I also vividly remembered from my first heavy barbell squat session in the gym. These experiences convinced me that the “hacks” are worth incorporating into my routine — and why not? None of these habits are bad to keep. They are all extremely beneficial to my quality of life in other ways as well.
If incorporating these new habits had such a profound change to my life and confidence, what would happen when I stopped? This was not something I wanted to find out, but nevertheless, life sometimes gets in the way. Whenever I had lapses in my workout routine, forgot to meditate, or ate junk food, I felt like garbage and this reflected in how I acted in social settings. I became much more like my old self: a blabbering, stammering idiot. I initially adopted my routine to improve my confidence, and while that has happened, the reality is that my routine has become my “new normal”. My psych scholars will need to let me know whether it’s due to the placebo effect or classical conditioning here, but it has become evident that I have fallen into the trap that Musashi has described: I am focusing so much on the techniques than the real objective. I needed to rewire my mentality.
An immediate question I had was whether this was necessary at all. Again, none of these habits are bad; they are all quite productive in making me a better person. Exercising is wonderful and while having AYCE sushi dinner may leave me feeling like trash for a day or two with my current mindset, this mentality has helped me eat better so why not just roll with it? After some contemplation on this subject, I have arrived at two reasons why I need to rewire my mindset regardless:
- Having daily workouts, planned meals, scheduled sleep routines, and other healthy habits are achievable to maintain as a student; but I will soon be working in the finance industry after graduating, where my schedule will not be nearly as structured as it is now;
- As I mentioned, my issues with social anxiety have not completely gone away. I suspect that this is partly due to the fact that I am relying on these “techniques” to improve my confidence: like Musashi and Dugu have both stressed, relying on techniques is not how you can achieve your full potential.
I do think one issue that “focusing on the techniques but not the goal” has deepened is the idea that something is wrong with me. All of these healthy habits that I have embraced involve the action of self-improvement. By doing them to gain confidence, I am perpetuating the idea that the original me before taking these actions is not worth being confident and having the ability to feel like a productive individual.
I needed to find a way where I could sever the mental link I placed between my productive habits and my confidence, while still maintaining and upholding my strive for excellence in those habits. This is difficult because for a very long time now, my motivation to work out, meditate, or do any of those activities have been “so I could become a better person”, not “because I enjoy doing them”. To sever that motivation altogether, I suspected, would make it rather difficult for me to perceive the need to keep doing them.
At the point of me writing this blog post, I am still considering different ways where I could go about achieving “enlightenment” in this problem. Perhaps I never will be able to truly rewire my mindset for good — I mean, humans are biologically predisposed to feel better and have a higher level of confidence — due to increased testosterone levels — after exercising, as an example.
I will keep you all updated on my progress :)
